My Oxygen Mask

This past holiday weekend the ex took the children for FOUR days straight. While I still feel a tug at my heart, I have passed the stage of crying when I see them go with their father.  Yes, I miss them when they are gone, but I now welcome the freedom, even if it is brief and sporadic. I could use the break and I know that they benefit too.  Of course time with their father is important as well.

Since the divorce I have repeatedly read and heard others say that it is essential to care for myself during this difficult transition.  When the plane is going down, first apply the oxygen to your own face before assisting others I am constantly being reminded. I get it and it makes perfect sense, but I simply have not figured out how this translates in real life.

Am I supposed to hit the bars and start looking for men, because I am quite confident that is not what I want at this stage of my life. I do not know if I ever truly enjoyed that scene. Besides, I have three babies and they are my priority. Nor do I have money to burn on nail salons or other beauty treatments.  Similarly, shopping is not an option and walking around a mall penny-less is a drag. Frankly I cannot think of anything I even want if I had money. And while a movie would be a much-needed mental escape, paying for a movie ticket these days leaves me riddled with guilt when the money could be spent on necessities.

So I continue to do what I have done since the first time the children went away. I clean, I purge closets…I go OCD on the entire house and it makes me feel good. I grocery shop, taking my time in each aisle, considering every purchase instead of racing through the store as quickly as humanly possible with three kids in tow. I get a head start on the next week by wrapping presents for upcoming birthday parties and taking care of other errands that would make for a stressful lunch hour. I am grateful for this opportunity to just do what needs to be done without the added chaos of getting kids in and out of car seats.

Yes, I could spend time with friends and I do on occasion. However, on these rare weekends I am not anxious to commit to anything or follow a schedule and my ex is not exactly predictable with his visitation making it difficult to plan ahead. Besides, my friends all have children and being with other peoples’ kids without my own is not easy. And no, I do not know any divorced women in my situation, nor do I know how to search for new friends (hmmm…I wonder if there is a website for this yet?).

An observant Jew once told me that we are commanded to feed and care for our animals before we feed ourselves. While I am certainly not calling our children animals (though I often comment that they follow instructions like cats) I absolutely agree that since they are dependent upon me for everything, I must put them first. So as I sit here awaiting an oil change, I have no regrets about how I spend my free time. Am I living the dream?...probably not by others’ standards, but I know that like everything, this is temporary. By making the children my focus I am also doing for me as well as them. I like to think that I am providing oxygen for us all simultaneously.